How’s Your Marriage Going?

“I thought everything was going along just fine!  I didn’t even know anything was wrong.”

A friend of mine actually said those words to me—just  before she and her husband separated and eventually divorced.  And she was not the only woman who has ever talked to me, in a state of bewilderment because she didn’t know her marriage had been in trouble—until it was too late!  How is it that as married christian couples, we can allow our relationships with our spouses to be sacrificed?  I use the term “sacrificed” not meaning something that we willingly give up as a statement of our commitment and dedication, but rather as something that is slaughtered and killed.  We can become so busy and so involved in our day to day lives, that our marriages and our personal relationship with our spouse, somehow floats down to the bottom of the list.  We don’t even realize it has happened.  I’m sure we all realize that our marriages are important, but there are literal steps we need to take to preserve the precious gift that God has given us. 

Communicate – And I don’t mean just talk.  Something that my husband always does for me is that he occassionally will ask me if there is anything he can do or change that will help meet my needs.  He truly is very sincere in asking this and I appreciate his sincerity.  This opens the door for discussion and if there were ever anything between us, whether it is in the area of sexual needs, emotional needs or physical needs, it would create the perfect opportunity to discuss it. 

Work on your Relationship – Nothing in life comes about by accident.  If you want a great marriage, then you will have to work toward it.  Rodney and I have a good relationship.  The only reason I don’t say we have a great relationship is because I feel like you should constantly be working toward the “great”.  If you ever feel like you have arrived at the “great place”, you might have the tendancy to quit working on it.  Please don’t do that.  Put as much energy and hard work into your marriage as you do your job, your house, your children, your hobbies, your education, and anything else that is important to you.  Your marriage actually needs the most attention, because God has brought you together to be “one”, and that is not an easy task.  It takes much prayer, commitment and hard work.  Love is the catalyst, but we, individually, must constantly be striving toward that special goal of unity.  No one is perfect, so there will always be room for improvement. 

Perfect Sexual Intimacy – This is extremely important.  Even if you might happen to be a person who doesn’t need a lot of touching, caressing, whispering, and sensual talk, your spouse may need all of those things.  Do you know them well enough and love them enough to give of yourself, even if it might be more than you yourself need?  There is nothing more special than knowing everything about your spouse’s body, knowing what will boost their moral, what will show them how much you really care about them.  Even as I sit here and write this post, my wonderful husband just walked in from the store with a little gift for me.  It didn’t cost a lot, but it was perfect and it showed me how much he cares and thinks about me.  Do you show your spouse how much you care about them?  It really only takes little acts of thoughtfulness.  It’s not always about the big things.  A kiss, a post it note, a small gift, picking up the slack when they’re ill, an email, a card, a touch, a nibble, a giving of yourself—these will all help bring about intimacy.

If you’re not sure where your marriage stands, or if after reading this, you just want to make sure—just sit down with your spouse and ask them.  If you really want to know–just ask!

It’s not always about the big things. . . . .

Well, that special day for my special man has come and gone.  It turned out wonderful and so many people participated in different ways.  I just want to thank everyone who sent an email or card.  The scrapbook we put together turned out awesome!  I realized in putting this event together, that my husband is a very special man with a very special calling and ministry.  He does it like no other man does!  And I think that’s a good thing.  This day of appreciation meant a lot to him, and myself also, but I’ll say it again—it’s not always about the big things (events)!  I have always said this, and it has even gotten me in trouble a few times.  I believe we truly show how much we care about someone, not just on the birthdays, the anniversaries, or other milestone markers, but we really prove it day by day.  I believe I am married to one of the sweetest, most loving and caring men on the face of the earth.  Ask me if I’ve always felt like that!!!  NO!  Just like every other married couple, we went through our hard times.  We had our fights (and I really means fights!).  I had my doubts and so did he.  But somewhere along the line, we decided that we were in this for keeps and decided to do whatever it took to make it work.  Today, we reap the benefits of that good choice and all the years of planting and watering our relationship.  I believe my husband treats me like a queen, but I also know that he does that because I treat him like a king – and vice versa – I treat him like a king because he treats me like queen!  This becomes such a natural act of love, that it comes to a point where it doesn’t matter who goes first.  It’s not forced anymore – it actually comes from the heart.  Are we perfect?  Absolutely not.  I still have a tendency to want things to go my way.  He still has that tendency to think he should be in control of everything.  But, we work on it.  This is how it becomes a day to day expression of our love for each other.  You give a little here, you give a little there, you get a little here and you get a little there!  One of the biggest dangers to a very loving and nurturing relationship between husband and wife is selfishness.  When all you focus on is what YOU want and how YOU want it to go, and what YOU think is right, then there will only be problems.  One time my husband and I were talking and he made a statement that kind of threw me off for a minute, but over the years, I’ve realized it’s absolutely true.  In a marriage, you should always consider yourself lucky to have your partner.  When you start thinking they are lucky for having you—-then you’re in trouble.  Now, like I said, that tends to throw you off when you first read or hear that statement, because let’s face it, we all think fairly highly of ourselves, even if we say we don’t!  But the truth of that statement is that as long as we feel lucky to have the person we share our lives with every day, then we will probably treat them with respect and care for them and not always be thinking about how something can benefit ourselves.  I’ve dealt a lot over the years of ministry with individuals who operate in very manipulating spirits.  This wreaks havoc in a marriage and quite honestly any other relationship also.  According to scripture, honesty is not just the best policy, it’s the only policy.  And you know there have been times when I’ve caught myself planning out a situation so that I could say the right words or do the right thing to make it work out the way I wanted.  Now, I don’t think I am a manipulative person, but at that particular point in time, I was manipulating.  Husbands are not given to us as a gift to manipulate, God blesses us with the man in our life to love him, to respect him, to make sure that everyone else respects him and to look to him for your comfort, support, provision and guidance.  Believe it or not, they can teach us a few things—and on the same hand, we can teach them a few things too.  All in all, I guess what I wanted to say today was that we had a wonderful day of appreciation for my husband Rodney, but first and foremost, I want him to know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I love him and care about him EVERY day!  And I want him to know that I consciously think about him every day, I consciously think of ways to affirm him, I make an effort to please him, I think of ways to help him.  And I know that I am safe to love him in these ways, because he will do the same for me.  I pray that you are in a relationship that you feel safe to live and love like this.  If not, consider making those changes and see if some changes might come your way.  Through prayer and concerted effort, except in the case of abuse, I believe all things can be blessed by the hand of God.  Let me know what you think about this and share the things you have learned along the narrow road of your marriage.  God bless you and keep you!

A Special Day for a Special Man

I am married to one of the most thoughtful, kind, generous, long-suffering and loving men on this earth.  He has been a pastor for 23 years and I have watched him grow and grow and grow.  During his ministry he has given without expecting to receive.  He has sacrificed numerous times, simply to see the doors of ministry stay open.  He has loved and turned the other cheek, only to be laughed at.  He has trained and equipped others to see them use that knowledge in competition against him.  I have watched him endure false accusations, lies, and jealous attacks, only to never hear the words–”I’m sorry”.  I have often asked him, “How can you do that?  How can you forgive and forget like that?  How can you go on and not curse that person?”  I don’t claim to be the holiest of people—only human.  And even today, my wonderful husband continues to amaze me with his sensitivity, concern for others, and tenacity for the things of God.  His motives have always been pure and his desires only those of the utmost integrity.  I can’t help but love this man with all of my heart and for that reason, I wish to give him the best Pastors Appreciation Day he’s ever had.  You see, he has been my Pastor for 23 years, and I want him to feel very appreciated and loved—at least on this day.  I love him every day, but sometimes because of the cares of life, I get busy and forget to stop and say “I love you babe!”  I would like for those of you who know my wonderful husband, as your Pastor or friend, to help me show him how he has affected your life.  If your life has ever been touched by him in some way, shape or fashion, then join with me on this day to let him know exactly how much he means to you.  July 13th, has been set aside as Pastor Appreciation Day at Eagles Nest Fellowship to show our awesome pastor, my one and only true love, that he is the best and we love him very, very much.  If you want to email him, feel free to send your thanks to drmullins@eaglesnestfellowship.com.  Or you can post here on my blog, and I will make sure he gets the ‘thanks’.  Help me celebrate “The Fruits of His Ministry”.  If you have any ideas or thoughts, please send them my way.  Thanks.

Deliberate Acts of Kindness

If you simply read the newspaper and watch the news, you, like me, are probably convinced that this world is not a safe place and people are evil.  According to what we hear, it seems most people don’t care about others and kindness hardly exists any more.  Look at a few of these headliners:

• Luggage explodes in bus, killing 26
• Date-rape drug case results in guilty plea.
• Three teens killed in drive-by shooting.
• 2 year old toddler abducted by estranged father

Whether you believe people are basically good or basically evil, you have to agree with one thing:  God did not intend our world to be the way it is.  Titus 2:4-5; Then (the older women) can train the younger women. . .  to be kind.

The apostle Paul encouraged women to learn kindness – but many factors hinder kindness in our society.  I believe the top 4 reasons to be violence, selfishness, busyness and our own hearts. 

My husband and I were on vacation last week and upon returning to work Monday, I learned of a very sad, but somehow inspiring story.  Two doors down from my place of employment, a crossing guard was crossing an elementary age boy when she saw a dump truck coming toward them.  In a moment of total un-selfishness, she placed herself between him and the oncoming truck, seeking to protect him from harm.  I would totally understand this if it had been his mother, or even his sister.  But this woman probably didn’t even know his name.  Unfortunately, because of this unselfish act, she paid the ultimate price—her own life.  There is not a greater sacrifice–that a man lay down his life for someone else.  This story tells me that there are still a few individuals in this world who think of others before themselves.  As Christians, isn’t this what we are supposed to do? 

Violence is all around us today, not just in the seedy parts of town anymore.  We live in a culture of violence and are bombarded by cruel and agressive attitudes and actions in our music, video games, movies, on the internet, and on television.  Have we become desensitized?  In 1998, the average American consumed 11.8 hours of media daily.  By the age of eighteen, the average American child sees 200,000 violent acts on television; 16,000 of them are murders!  Violent images penetrating our minds can desensitize us to real-life brutality and numb us to people and their needs.  We’ve also become a very selfish people.  Look at the titles of some of our current and very popular magazines; Me, Self and All About You!  Some of our most popular slogans focus on us and not on others.  Even the busyness of our daily lives can lead us to ignore and maybe not even recognize needs of others.  With the introduction of the Internet, we can buy groceries, pay bills, keep in touch with family and friends (maybe even have your own blog – lol), or send e-cards.  While this really is a help to us, does it take us further and further away from relationships and one on one mentoring, which may cause us to lose the ability to connect with others face to face?  Is there such a thing as a detached, impersonal and indifferent “Christian”? 

“In a fast-food culture”, a wise Benedictine monk observed, “you have to remind yourself that some things cannot be done quickly.”  Simply put—–KINDNESS TAKES TIME!  In Luke 16:19-25, the Bible talks of someone who was insensitive and cold hearted, the rich man who had it all – fine clothes and luxury.  A beggar named Lazarus, starving and covered in sores, was lying by the rich man’s gate.  All Lazarus wanted from the rich man was the food or crumbs that fell from his table.  But the rich man chose to ignore Lazarus and his needs.  Later, both men died.  The rich man, now in hell, looked up and saw Lazarus by Abraham’s side in heaven and begged Lazarus to have mercy on him and dip his finger in water and cool his tongue.  But Abraham replied, “Son, remember that in your lifetime you received your good things, while Lazarus received bad things, but now he is comforted here and you are in agony” (Luke 16:25)  The rich man’s heart was not moved with pity, even though he could see and hear the beggar who was at his gate every day.  How many times do we move past people and situations that are crying out for our attention and help.  The perfect opportunities to be the hands and feet of Christ fly past us, and once they are gone, we can never have them back.  When Jesus encountered insensitivity to people’s needs, he became angry!  It is not only my heart’s cry that I become more like Christ, but that I never anger Christ with selfishness and personal insensitivity.

Love, The worlds view-God’s view

 

Titus 2:4 is a wonderful verse of scripture, which admonishes older owmen to teach younger women to love their husbands.  Now, in the early years, I never sought out an older woman of the church to teach me anything about my husband.  I guess I never really considered loving my husband a skill that could be taught.  But the more and more I look around me, I see that apparently it is a learned behavior and that many are learning how NOT to love their husbands from other women who don’t even profess to be teachers!!!  But, none the less, we have tendencies to replicate actions we see portrayed around us, and a lot of times the actual atmosphere we spend a lot of time in, will shape and mold us even if we don’t realize it.  So, what is love?  What does it mean to love someone else?  Our culture would lead us to believe that love is all about feelings and emotions. Movies, television, music and books depict the love between a man and a woman as uncontrolled physical passion.  The world says such love is “bigger than both of us,” a force that carries us away.  We’re taught that we “fall in love,” which is something we can’t control.  Well, that theory in itself sets us up for failure.  Because if you can’t help but fall in love, wouldn’t that mean you coudln’t help “falling out of love?”  Well according to Scripture, love is 2 things: Love is sacrificial – the greatest example of love is God sacrificing His Son, Jesus Christ, that we might have our sins forgiven and our lives redeemed. Secondly, Love is unconditional.  This kind of love is not based on peformance, and it does not diminish when we fail.    These might be totally foreign concepts to you, In fact, it may even seem impossible for you obtain love at these levels.  Right?  WRONG!!!  When we allow the Spirit to empower us, we are capable of loving our husbands with the love of Christ—-sacrificially and unconditionally.                       A wife is God’s gift—a rare and precious offering to her husband.  She conveys the Lord’s love and care for that man.  In this day of pressure, demand and expectation, we need to realize that marriage is more than just one human living with another.  It’s something sacred.  I bring a bit of God into my husband’s life.  This elevates me from my position as family – car controller, chore keeper and laundry sorter to a position of prestige and extreme importance and contribution.  I am something holy, given to a specific man—my husband. To totally understand what it means to love our husbands sacrificially and unconditionally, let’s look at what love is NOT!! Myth:  Love is all about feelings Reality:  Love is all about commitment and action.  Feelings fluctuate along with our moods.  Love acted out is steady and consistent, not like a roller coaster. Myth:  For two people meant to be together, love will come naturally and easily. Reality:  Even under the best of circumstances, love takes work.  Because true love is based on action and commitment, it doesn’t flourish by itself.  Love will not automatically increase in amount and intensity as the days and years pass.  Therefore, the expression of love is something that we have to learn and work at!  Myth:  Love means everything in marriage will be fifty-fifty and totally equal. Reality:  Love means giving 100 percent, even when it feels unfair. Throw out your scorecard and forget the idea that your husband should meet you halfway in everything.  Married love means giving 100% regardless of what your husband is giving.  Sound unfair?  From our human perspective, it is.  But remember; “While we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8).  He gave His all, though we deserved nothing.  We can’t do any less in loving our mate.  We must forgive and love over and over.  Will this be easy?  No.  Will we ever get tired of being the giver?  Yes.  Will we sometimes want to throw in the towel?  Probably!  However, the closer our relationship with God, the easier it will be for us to love unconditionally and sacrificially.  Looking at what I just covered, what are some specific ways we can “learn” to cultivate love in our marriages? 1)  Study your husband.  Make a list of his strengths and weaknesses.Tear the list of weaknesses into little pieces and throw them away.  Review the list of strengths and each week, focus on a different one.  That way you will begin to notice through out each day and week, how strong your husband is in different areas, and it will cause you to appreciate him for this.  Give him compliments each day.  Remember, he’s not perfect, but you love him. 2)  Listen to him.  Most women are good at multi-tasking.  But this is one time, when you need to focus and not be doing 10 things at once.  Stop what you’re doing.  Make eye contact.  Ask questions and encourage him to tell you more.  3)  Commit to a mutually fulfilling sexual relationship.  Learn what your husband enjoys, communicate your desires, and make time to be alone together!  Be creative – be daring.  Above all else, be willing to change yourself.  As you improve, so will he! 4)  Pray for your husband.  Pray every day that God would bring people and events into his life that would open his heart to the gospel, and increase him physically, spiritually and emotionally. Over time, we can unconsciously take our husband and marriage for granted.  We don’t pay as much attention to cultivating our relationship as we once did.  We become comfortable or we can unwittingly develop individual lives.  Then,  try to find an older woman, or someone whom you respect and can look up to, and talk to them and ask for their input.  And if you might happen to be that older, mature woman already, then you maybe you need to make sure you present yourself to others as someone who is loving and open to share what you have learned.    We all need teachers.  We all need each other.  Ladies, we’re in this together!